What do you call a person who is unable to love?

Anhedonia.
Misanthrope.
Philophobia.
Aromanticism.
Aromantic.
Cupioromantic.
Alexithymia.

Seven terms I never heard before pop out on Google search when I want to find out what I think is my condition: a person who is unable or cannot love deeply and passionately, even to its significant others, biological parents, or family members.

This question has already stuck in my mind since forever. I just want to know, am I alone that feels this way? From other billions of people, the probability is impossible, right? I bet somebody, somewhere, on any timeline, must have felt the same feeling that I felt.

And I always wonder, why?

What’s the reason?
Is it because trauma?
Is it genetic?
Or is it just something that I randomly inherited?

Because honestly, if you asked me, I don’t even remember when is the first time or the last time I feel so deeply in love, or deeply loved by other people. I don’t recall having experienced such feelings. I remember a glimpse of memory when I think, I gave other people abundant love, and I get deeply loved by other people.

I remember the memory, but never the emotion.

Never.

Such emotion never fully attached in my body, my soul, and my mind. No matter who’s the person, it always feels the same. Even for someone who I think, cannot be treated as the same as other people: my wife, my parents, my siblings, or worst case scenario, my own offspring if one day I have one.

This question always bugs me because deep down inside, I know it was wrong. But alas, I can do nothing. At least for now. The best I can do is to conduct a deep and proper research, like I always do.

But you know what, it scares me.

I’m scared for my ‘next’ self awakening canon event since the first one kinda almost ruined my life.

Am I ready to find out the truth and the cure?
Are people around me ready for my research conclusion?
Will they understand?
Will I be able to contain my sub-conscious urge to’manipulate’ and persuade other people to give my preferred result?

But I REALLY want to know.
I HAVE to know.

For my peace of mind, for my anxiety, for relationships now and the future, and for a better self-understanding. I need the answer, and I will try to find the answer sooner or later.

Perhaps when I know the answer, I can finally fix what’s wrong with me. All this attachment issue, all this automated masking and faking myself in front of others.

Perhaps when I know what the fuck is wrong with me, I can finally tear down my invisible wall and I can finally, have a deep and genuine relationship with other people.

Perhaps, I can finally feel that longing feeling of wanting to be loved, or loving someone I dear the most.